Mooning with the Honey

RP/KR circa Honeymoon Numero Uno

You could probably call me the Oliver Twist of honeymooners; when I got married, I didn’t expect anything extravagant, loved what I got, but in the end wound up begging, “Please, Sir, I'd like some more!”

And while RP’s and my Malibu retreat was blissful, it was far too short-lived – and WAY too close to home. In fact, our poor cellular service was due much less to our exotic locale than it was to AT&T’s obviously subpar service.

That’s why RP and I have been scheming to plan our “official” honeymoon—when we’ll both be established enough at our respective employers to take some serious time off. And if you’ve never tried to plan the vacation-of-a-lifetime with RP….. lucky you.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about RP, it’s that he likes to analyze. He analyzes real estate investments 12 hours a day and spends his time off analyzing….well, anything else he can find. In fact, as you may know, he analyzed potential spouses for a good 33 years before settling on yours truly (Which proves that I, on the other hand, am a world-class manipulator).

Unfortunately, our individual requirements for a honeymoon locale differ slightly:

Kristen:

1. Exotic

2. Culturally-rich

3. Lots of physical activity

4. Romantic

5. Good food

BONUS: Beautiful beaches and warm water

RP:

1. Great surf

2. Great time of year to surf

3. Great temperature of water to surf in

4. Un-crowded surf

5. Optimal weather for surfing

BONUS: A real bed to share with his wife

For this reason, among our deliberations, the following destinations were crossed off the list:

South Africa – cold water/RP doesn’t like black people (just kidding)

Israel – no surf/RP doesn’t like Jesus

Canary Islands – cold water/nothing for me to do while RP surfs

Greece/Mediterranean – wussy surf/RP didn’t like Mamma Mia

Tahiti – surf may be TOO hardcore/RP doesn’t want to lose his wife to coral reef

Morocco – cold water/RP doesn’t want to lose his wife to rich businessman

Thailand - "Good" surf season interferes with previously-scheduled surf trip to Mexico

In fact, unless a new island is discovered in the South Pacific or one of Jupiter’s moons is found to have great waves (and with that distance from the sun, I find it unlikely I’d enjoy it), RP may have to settle for a subpar honeymoon – in, say, Bali.

Poor thing.